The more and more that I delve deeper into business, where I’m going, defining my vision, and assuring that our team knows our mission in this game, I’m pulled closer and closer to acting with heart.
Let me take you back six months: I’m sitting in front of a shrink staring holes into the ceiling and she’s asking me how I interpret an interaction with someone in my family. I’m umm'ing, err'ing (even gargling a little), eventually staring her right in the eye as she finishes my sentence— “because you’re uncomfortable with your emotions”.
It was an absolute gutpunch. Me, uncomfortable with my emotions? Most people that know me would call me outgoing, so to have a clinician say something like that, it cut through me like a knife. For the months that followed I wondered constantly how accurate she’d been. It affected me so much so that I found myself (incredulously) quizzing my inner circle about it. “Hey, my shrink thinks I’m uncomfortable with my emotions, do you think there’s any truth to that?”
My girlfriend was the one that got me started on it. She’d jokingly look at me after she asked me how I’d felt about something and say “oh, you don’t talk about the feels do you?” or “oh babe, do you not want to talk about this?” I would honestly struggle to get the words out, partly because I was shocked, but more so that I didn’t know how to articulate myself. My vocabulary on how I processed situations, reacted, interpreted other people, their body language, how they would take me—my feelings—had been critically under-utilised for a long time.
So I arrived at the fact that maybe I don’t know how to express myself properly. Maybe I need to navigate further with my heart, rather than always with my head. Up until throwing in the towel for The Man I’d been navigating with my head, so why should I stop there? After quitting a normal job and pursuing a life built around the pursuit of passion, the feeling of positivity, why not alter my personal approach as well?
So I started forcing myself to talk about how I felt whenever I felt like there was an opportunity to talk about my “feels”.
It started with little things like “I don’t really want to go and have sushi today, I feel like you can have too much of a good thing”, or to a friend, “I really want you to come to Melbourne mate, I feel like it’s been way too long”. Once I pushed and forced it a little, it became habit (scientific consensus holds that 21 days is enough, but I maintained for a little longer). I then started rolling it into business, to clients “I feel like this is the start of a good relationship, I’m looking forward to nailing this with you”, or to team members “ I feel like you’ve got a good grapple on the task at hand, but have you considered X?”
I started saying things to people around me about how I felt, and building it into my vocabulary, and I began to notice a big difference in my interactions. I would openly tell anyone standing in front of me, over the phone how I felt about our interaction. The level of engagement that I had simply by describing my “feels” instantly removes a layer of shit that most people put up in front of each other. I got to understand and empathise with those around me much quicker than ever. Simply by showing I’m invested in an interaction and by opening the communication up to how the next person feels, I noticed that I got more shit done.
Last week I sat down at dinner with my parents who’d flown in from interstate and I was asking them about how they felt about my new partner. When I pushed and pushed I got a little resistance, so I changed tact. “Guys. Mum, Dad. I feel like I’m talking to you and sharing how I feel, wouldn’t you like to share how you feel too? After all, I really value your input.” It was like I’d rubbed a magic urn and the genie was the influx of sharing. We were instantly more connected.
When I look back on the effect this change has made, it’s incredible. To the people around me and the relationships with those I have in my life the change is undeniable. In a relatively short period I feel like the people around me are getting more out of me and I’m learning more about them.
Our relationships with the world and the people around us are only as healthy as how well we nurture them. Through all this I’ve learned some amazing things, my conversations are routinely deeply intriguing, I’ve opened up to people and found them open up back to me. The simple truth I’ve found is this: if you act with heart, and show yours to the world, it’ll show it back.